Pressure. Tension. Control. Clinging. Breath held. Fear of failure. Fear of messing up. Fear of being wrong. Gotta be the best.
Those words describe very well how I've approached my life. My formal education from childhood into adulthood was characterized by this kind of stress, fear, anxiety and pressure. I have a history of approaching extracurriculars in the same way. The moment I commit to the forward trajectory of an assignment, class, project, or job skill, I put my blinders on, and strive to be nothing but the best. This approach leaves me stressed and alienated. I resist seeking help or support for many reasons: everything from delusion that I should be strong enough and able to handle it alone (regardless of the size and weight of the task at hand) to fearing that no one else would be able to do it well enough. This results in a miserable process in which I make myself sick and anxious, followed by a total collapse in which I burnout and retreat into a season of hiding.
After my most recent ending-of-things and retreat-back-into-myself, a family member (and lifetime observer of me) remarked that I haven't ever really learned how to pace myself. I can't argue with that as I am well acquainted with sprinting until I have nothing left.
But the more I've reflected on those words, the more I've realized that that is only the tip of the iceberg. It's also a need to be open, to let people into my process, to ask for support, to allow hands-on help, and to go with the flow. It's giving myself grace, patience with the learning process, and permission to not be the best; to know that average or 'good-enough' is not only okay, but life-affirming and nurturing. If allowing myself to be average means less pressure, anxiety, and fear, then it's one of the best ways I can show myself love and compassion, and enjoy more of life and living.
In my heart of hearts, I don't want to be famous (or any other such thing), so this drive to be the best isn't even moving me towards a desired goal. I desire a small and simple life where I can quietly do good. To carve out my own small corner of the world and to welcome passersby. To converse with them and grow and learn and share with one another.
So in this next stage of my life, I am finally choosing a new approach. My aim is to not have any answers, to not have it all mapped out or to have a plan of attack. I will resist, moment-by-moment, the temptation to start grabbing, clinging, and controlling. Instead I will remember to breathe and to stretch. I am committed to remaining open, to experiencing life as it comes and welcoming people in sharing those moments with me.
Open. Breathing. Flowing. Praise. Approval. Relaxed.
