Presently I find myself in a season of transition. A time of finding a new path, without having any inkling as to where the trailhead is. For the first time, I don't have a 'natural-next-step' pointing me in any particular direction. Typically, this would be cause for me to ramp up into panic and anxiety. However, because that has never served me (or those around me) particularly well, I'm adopting a different strategy this time. I'm learning to be okay with not knowing, and even to savor it. I'm using the opportunity to learn to be open and let things flow naturally. I'm learning to resist strict control and self-induced pressure to highly achieve. In the meantime, I've taken a reflective look back on what all of my past diverse life experiences share in common, to see what sort of enlightenment comes from that.
When I was completing my undergraduate studies in social work, I was selected for an interview in the campus magazine. When asked why I had chosen social work, my answer was simply 'I want to help people.' It was a simple answer, but one that was pure of heart and hasn't changed. I am a helper to the core. I'd rather be behind the scenes supporting others' work than in the spotlight. I'm also creative by nature, which drives me to find creative ways to surprise and delight others in times and places when they least expect it.
My wide range of interests and ongoing quest to live out my creativity has led me down varied paths. In the eleven years since that article was written I have worked as a social worker, a secretary, a dog behavior consultant, and a professional baker & cake decorator. These are all jobs that I really relished for a season. While they appear unrelated, the common thread throughout was that in each situation I was able to integrate my love for creativity with my desire to be helpful. The biggest challenge I found with each of my previous jobs was balancing my own need to blend into the background with the requirements of each job to be in the foreground.
Personal history has confirmed over and again that I must not be too much in the spotlight. I wither and burn out when spotlight situations are sustained. My creativity also has to continue to stretch and grow and innovate. Historically, I give of myself fully, pour all of my creative and problem-solving efforts and my heart to be helpful to others and not let people down until I find myself, yet again, too much in the forefront and too busy with managing the day-to-day (and my sanity) to invest in creativity.
In this next stage of my life, I am seeking the balance that feels right. It's not a balance I've ever found before, and I won't know if I obtain it for a few years, because it usually takes a couple of years for me to run my full course and recognize my burnout. But the difference this time is that I am striving to move slowly and be mindful each day, each step of the way. I'm also seeking to fill my days with tasks, projects and a work environment that suits me instead of trying to shoe-horn myself into environments and situations that are close, but not quite it. In this stage I am endeavoring to find enough quiet removal from being in the foreground with plenty of opportunity to reach out and delight others. Enough time away to think, ponder, savor, contemplate and create, and then to put it out into the world for those who need it.