I’m confessing that despite all of my resolve to stay out of trouble during the holidays that I’ve already stepped in it with my big mouth.
I want to be a person of love who asks questions instead of making assumptions. Who seeks to be open instead of quick to judge. Who listens more than speaks (sometimes that’s an especially hard one for me, especially when I have big feels, whether excited to upset).
Mostly it’s all gone well the last couple of days. A few moments felt sticky, but we got through them just fine. And then this evening I popped off a single, sassy, sarcastic remark. It was just a few words long and we moved past it without much further talk and everyone really enjoyed the evening. There was a lot of laughter and fun.
I didn’t think a at all about what I’d said until I fell into bed just now, exhausted from consecutive late nights of visiting. I began to feel the unease rising in me. I thought of all the times I felt uncomfortable today when we inched too close to some topic where there were opposing viewpoints and beliefs. Today I mostly listened and inwardly rejoiced when someone made a good point that helped restore some balance without wavering in conviction and I waited for each wave to pass. But then I replayed how I so ungraciously popped off and felt sick in my stomach.
So I rolled over and pulled out my phone to draft a sincere letter of apology on my notes app in the dark. Writing the letter allowed me to start thinking through what I’d like to say to this person tomorrow, so that I can do it genuinely and graciously without stumbling over my words. It gave me a chance to consider whether I need to apologize to the others who were present (ie: everyone) and why or why not. And it helped me understand why I popped off in the first place.
The truth is that I’ve spent my life feeling tender about my gender within my family and I’ve mostly felt completely unseen in these moments of frustration/anger/resentment/inner-struggle and also sometimes ganged up on. My experiences, and therefore my self, feel unseen because any protests from childhood (and beyond) seem to fall on deaf ears. I hate being treated differently because I’m a girl and I am *so* frustrated by those in my life who can’t see it and continue to perpetuate gender stereotypes.
So something was said that stirred all this up (I have no idea what it was by now, and it’s not important anyway) and I popped off with a truly unhelpful (and worse, divisive and attacking) comment. I’m super not proud of it, and was rather ill over it when it resurfaced in my mind. I may not always feel understood by this group of folks, but I love them dearly. And the thought of being party to inflicting harm on them because my mouth popped off while fueled by my feels... well, I hate that.
So my resolutions for tomorrow include the following:
Apologize privately and individually at an early opportunity. - I decided that private, individual apologies were the way to go because then I can tailor each apology to the individual and seek to create more connection that way.
Go for a long walk at some time during the day to get out, clear my head, diffuse my fuse, stretch my body, and create space for mental and physical self-care.
And that’s about it. It’s a short list and neither thing is difficult. Although apologies can sometimes feel uncomfortable, I need not overthink it. I need only 60-90 seconds of uninterrupted time with each person to say that I see them and that I also see how my words were harsh and how sorry I am for that. It’s a simple list, but it will make all the difference in both the energy within this space that we share and in my ability to keep myself appropriately on track with my own well-being and subsequent behavior.
This squirrel is smiling and enjoying his Thanksgiving dinner because he doesn’t have to navigate controversial topics when they accidentally come up or deal with the ramifications of running his mouth. - Photo by Benjamin.