It’s been 17 years since I started deconstruction from Christianity and 10 years since I left the church and the faith behind for good. The deconstruction process was lonely, alienating, terrifying, exhilarating, raging, relieving, life-affirming, and liberating. It was a whole hell of a lot of work. But on the other side of it I found the kind of abundant life that Christianity had always promised but never delivered. I found peace, joy, a sense of purpose, self-acceptance, self-love, and the undeniable purpose for my life. I learned how to cultivate a spiritual life and community to nourish me, teach me, and give me hope. Throughout, it took a tremendous amount of work to rebuild trust with anyone who identified as a Christian but I’ve learned how to discern the safe and trustworthy ones from the others. I keep my radar going to assess the landscape and keep myself and those I love protected and safe.
Given all of the years that I devoted to deconstructing, justifiably [internally] raging, and rebuilding completely broken trust with anyone of that ilk — plus my peaceful settling into a healthy spiritual practice liberated from the narrow (and often destructive) Christian framework — I never expected that I’d be sitting down to write in defense of the Christian God. But here I am. Because while it’s been a long time since I’ve been there, and I can’t possibly go back, I was there before - and during my most formative years - so I can speak with some authority on the good and the bad of it. And today the Christian God is in need of some defense. (Knock me over with a feather and color me surprised that I’m the one doing it).
This evening I received a text from a close relative (an elder) who was sharing a ‘joke' that he thought was hilarious. The ‘joke’ consisted of a PNW conservative dressing up as an anarchist to tag rioters’ vehicles with Trump stickers and then sneaking away. In doing so the liberal rioters would receive their just desserts by bashing in their own cars and return to them later to find the mess.
This isn’t the first time I’ve been on the receiving end of unwanted texts from this person, but they’ve been benign enough that I’ve let it lie in the interest of keeping family peace. When the text came in today I was disgusted and I sat my phone down eager to forget about it. Within the hour I was prepared to stand up to him and had my words ready.
I started with a reminder of how much I love him. I acknowledged that these things might seem distant where he is or not immediately relevant but asked him to consider that we live in an area that’s been deeply affected and it’s been very traumatic for our community. I explained that I couldn’t find any humor in what he’d shared because it glorified violence and reinforced pitting groups of people against each other, further entrenching an already great divide.
I shared that even though we are safe in our home just outside the city, that we are devastated by the incomprehensible violence perpetrated by looters and cops alike. I explained that it’s surreal to arrive at the end of our virus-related stay-at-home-orders only to now find ourselves under newly imposed curfews due to the riots. I shared that we and our friends are hurting and grieving tremendously just from the collateral damage of witnessing the destruction online from afar, explaining that those are the very neighborhoods where we lived and worked for many years (and where one from our household still works).
Of course none of this addresses the people on the ground experiencing the violence firsthand or the POC who experience it every day at the hands of an unjust system (or even their peers), but my approach was to share my own story in an attempt to facilitate a personal connection from which he could access some empathy. It seemed like a possible way to gain a foothold towards building future bridges. I asked him to please consider our perspective and how much hurt we’re processing up here and how ‘jokes’ like these only do harm. Whether they are shared with like-minded folk or differently-minded folk they are the antithesis of peace, which is already in short supply. Then I reiterated my love to him.
Y’all. I expected too much of this person. I extended too much grace and gave too much benefit-of-the-doubt. He replied in a way that was both ageist and conspiratorial-right-wing. The heart that I’d seen in the past and counted on being available was instead completely closed to me. I did not reply for it was deeply wounding and much of the evening thereafter was spent in grieving.
Because I was grieved more than angry I was able to access some empathy that this person is perhaps reacting so strongly (and glorifying inappropriate ‘humor’) because he is also frightened in these uncertain times. I can hold space in my heart for that. However, this man is a life-long leader in his local Christian community. While I can imagine that he’s afraid of current events in his way just as I am in mine, I must also remind him and others that such behavior IS NOT THE LOVE OF GOD.
To miss the suffering of those around you, even those closest to you who you already care about, is not the love of God. To find humor in inciting violence between persons of different political viewpoints is not the love of God. To perpetuate these viewpoints through sharing this ‘humor’ is not the love of God. To demean because of age or political belief is not the love of God.
The true nature of God (not the bastardized interpretations used for personal and political gain throughout the history of the western world) is Love. I know this even more fully and with more conviction since I left the church behind. Because God is Love, He is heartbroken by all of the suffering. He is deeply grieved. What we’ve witnessed during this last week is worthy of sorrow and lament, and righteous anger too. But not hate. Not glee at others’ suffering. Not justifications against the ‘other’ and why they deserve to be mistreated.
Christianity has been used as a weapon against others since it was appropriated by the West and lifted out of the desert where it was formed. I will not stand by and let Christian leaders behave in such a manner during these turbulent times when what is so desperately needed is faith, hope, love, and peace… all of which are core tenants of the Christian faith. I will practice faith, hope, love, and peace in my way, as you may in yours. I will strive to keep carving out spaces in my heart for empathy, even for those who cause harm, because I cannot let anger turn to hate. I will call out anyone who purports to follow Christ and love God while also spreading hateful, divisive, self-congratulating rhetoric. May we all be better than that. May we learn to seek justice with Love.