Last week our family’s matriarch died, and this week we’ve helped our newly-promoted elders sort through the remaining family estate. What’s the antidote for the insomnia that comes from the mind running through all the checklists to make sure you didn’t forget anything, while also adjusting to the absence of the one no longer with us, while also holding space for others to grieve who feel the loss much more acutely than I do?
How do I slow my mind, turn off the mental checklists, and find peace in knowing we’ve given our very best in helping to honor, preserve, and share memories with others?
How can I give my aching body some relief after neglecting it for a couple of days?
How can I reconnect with my feels about this loss so I can do some more processing? All of the focus on practical concerns has left me out of sync with my emotions, but it’s apparent I’m having some stress and anxiousness given my racing mind and my inability to fall asleep (or stay asleep) despite my complete and total exhaustion.
These are rhetorical questions of course. With time I’ll accept that I’ve given my best to this season and that there’s nothing more that I can do to help. With time my body will get stretched out and relax again. As I transition out of “practical help” mode, my feelings will find me and I’ll start sorting those out again too.
In aaddition to the gratitude that I have for being able to be of service to people I love during a time of grief and loss, I’m also so deeply grateful for the opportunity to learn how these things work. I’m learning from the generation ahead of me how to love and support one another after the loss of a parent, how to honor and celebrate their parents and their family legacy, and how to manage the real-world necessity of cleaning out a home after someone dies.
One of the gifts that grandparents give us is a dress rehearsal (so to speak) where we can work alongside those ahead of us and learn how to navigate these big life transitions. As much as I hate to think about the death of my parents, I know that because I’ve shared this sacred time with Benjamin’s family - learning from my elders - I will be better prepared to deal with the loss of my own parents when the time comes.
Death is never wanted, but it’s unavoidable. So I’m very grateful to be learning practical life skills about how to honor the departed and celebrate family, and how to clean out a loved-one’s home and distribute family treasures with grace, humor, and love. I’ve had great teachers this week.
