I have a long history of letting fear and mistrust overtake me. When I am hurt by someone’s words or flying emotions in a sudden and strong way, I physically feel the penetration. I can have chest pains for days or weeks. It’s such a visceral experience for me that my response was always to just build a wall and to not let them inside my inner realm again. I would make pleasantries to keep the peace, but never again let them close enough to really know me. Suspicion, distrust, and fear ruled supreme and I could hold that distrust for years. It was never in the spirit of pettiness or entitlement like I deserved better or ‘I can’t believe they…’, but was instead a very real fear that said ‘trusting this person is an actively unsafe thing to do! Danger, danger! Abort, abort!’
Today I was on the receiving end of a totally unexpected and sudden reactive outburst. As soon as it happened, I felt hurt and panicky. My chest constricted and I felt like fire inside. I was absolutely electric with firing nerve endings. I was completely unprepared for it and didn’t respond with grace. I raised my voice and told the other person that they don’t get to talk to me like that. That was the whole of the altercation, but the energy of the exchange hung in the air.
I found myself immediately looking outside of myself for someone to make it better. Someone to make those very physical sensations and feelings go away. But there wasn’t anyone to turn to this time and I had to look inside myself instead.
I had a lot of time alone to process it afterwards. I practiced letting go of the fiery emotions inside of me: fear and hurt and anger. I breathed deep, cleansing breaths. I didn’t give my brain space to replay it over and over again and I worked on letting it go. I denied the urge to decide that this person was now irredeemably untrustworthy and dangerous to engage with. I worked on forgiveness. I thought about what I wish I’d said instead of my ungracious retort.
It wasn’t until the end of my day, when I was reviewing my day in whole that I realized just how much transpired this morning. I’ve actively been creating space for my spiritual learning and practices to grow and flourish. Many of the practices that I used today to help dissipate the chest-pains, the electric charge in my body, the fiery heat in my chest were all a direct result of this practice! I was able to sit with the discomfort acknowledging the fear and panic as an awful wave that would crash over me but then subside. The fear and electricity and tension wouldn’t last forever. The breathing, the active pursuit of forgiveness, the meditative techniques, and my refusal to feed the fear were all a direct result of the time I’ve spent engaging with spiritual knowledge and practice.
I’m so grateful for the many firsts I had today. It was my first time to actively turn inside of myself instead of looking to someone else (and an encouraging surprise to then find I was sufficiently able to weather the storm!). It was my first time accepting the panic and helping myself move through it instead of it causing me to seize.
But it wasn’t until the end of the day that I realized that although I’m not proud that I reflected the same energy back that was fired at me, I am SO proud that I stood up for myself. I’ve always absorbed aggression that’s directed at me. All of the huge feels that conflict manifests in my physical and emotional body have always been absorbed in silence and passivity, too afraid to speak up. (No doubt this is why it can take me weeks to physically recover.)
I realized today that the reason I felt clumsy and juvenile in my retort is because I have zero history of standing up for myself. This gives me great courage. It reframed my response from ‘I wish I’d handled this better’ to ‘Holy moly, I actually stood up for myself! This gives me something to work with and improve upon!’ With practice, I can refine my words and responses under pressure. My awkward reaction today came from a place of panicked fear, but I celebrate that I used my voice. Someday I hope it will come from a place of grounded love, but until then, I just have to keep practicing using it in tough situations, always aiming towards kindness.
I’m feeling so proud and hopeful about all of this that I’m even considering ways to engage with conflict more readily. I’ve been a fearful wallflower all my life and have worked so hard to keep myself hidden. I think it’s time to get out and start talking to people about the current events that I worry about but don’t engage with. It’s time to stop silently learning and listening from the sidelines and to start showing up. It’s time to start speaking up with love.
What spiritual practices give you support for navigating life's crashing waves? How do you speak up with love? I'd love to hear your thoughts over on Instagram (just look for the matching photo!).